Stephanie Anderson Blog   

Wed 3 Feb 2010

  Love Is Blind ~ January 29, 2010

Love Is Blind
 
Now was not your time, our precious little one
Though it seemed your life had just begun
We've painfully learned before about these things
Sometimes even the tiniest angels earn their wings

Love is blind & you made this true
We'll never dress you in either pink or blue
Never rock you in our arms as you quietly sleep
Never dry your tears as you weep

We love you none the less with all our hearts
Our world came crashing down when we were torn apart
We dream of you wrapped in a blanket of white angel wings
The lullaby you hear is the comfort we wanted to bring

We hold you every day the only way we know how
God doesn't take our love for you, this much He does allow.
It's as strong as it would've been if we had seen you
When our journey on earth is done, we'll carry our love through

It will carry us straight to you, you'll not be hard to find
We'll be together & we'll hold the love that was blind
Looking into eyes that are ours, revealing a soul we made
We'll place you upon our chests where you always should've laid


Posted by Stephanie_And on Wed 3 Feb 2010 3:28:49 am     | no comments

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Sat 23 Jan 2010

  Stephanie_Anderson is thinking grieving sucks ... there, i said it.



Posted by Stephanie_And on Sat 23 Jan 2010 3:09:56 pm     | 1 comments

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Fri 25 Dec 2009

  Dear Bekah ~ December 25, 2009

*** This is the first wrapped gift Bekah opened this AM (video will be uploaded as soon as I figure it out)***

Dear Bekah,
I don't have a face to see
or put inside a frame
I don't have soft cheeks to kiss,
I don't yet have a name.
You can't yet hold my tiny hands,
'nor whisper in my ear.
It's still too soon to sing a song,
or cuddle me so near.
But all will change come summer time,
that's when they say I'm due.
You're my big sister!
I can't wait until I meet you!
All I ask from you between now & then
is your patience while I grow.
I promise I'll be worth the wait,
because of all the love we'll know.
So have a Merry Christmas,
a wish to you from me.
I can't wait to be a part
of this loving family
!


Posted by Stephanie_And on Fri 25 Dec 2009 11:08:45 am     | no comments

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Mon 9 Nov 2009

  Your Little Angel ~ By: Russell Scott Steven Anderson

(sent from a good friend this AM)

Your Little Angel
By: Russell Scott Steven Anderson

Forever will I love you,
You will always be my mom.
As I sit with angels I look down at you & point proudly
See ... See her ... over there, That's her!

Do you know I could hear your thoughts at night?
When you used to lie in bed staring, rubbing your belly,
Looking up at the ceiling in the dark wondering things...
Who I would look more like...
How my laugh would sound...
My first steps...
Books that you would read to me ... ones with pictures...
"I like those!"
The park ... you would push me in a stroller to play on the swing...
After I ate ice cream, the dogs excitedly licking my face almost knocking me down...
You just smiled when you read that ... I could see you!

Do you know I call you "mommy"?
When you are in the kitchen, I pretend I am there also & you can see me.
I sit at the table & draw with crayons
I made a picture for the refrigerator,
Yellow, blue, red and green
Look, it's of you, me, & daddy with a sky & trees.
I gave you curly hair, & daddy a beard.

Easter ... that's my favorite!
I always think of you holding my hand taking me to church
You laugh as one of my socks keeps falling down.

Mommy ... I like the way you kiss my big sister goodnight on the forehead & tuck her into bed.
I play with her in her dreams.
She doesn't know me,
but if you ask if she ever dreamed of playing with a little kid,
she would say yes...
That's me...

Do you remember that bird each early spring
that used to always return & sing?
It would have been right around the time of my birthday
That was me too...
I would sing "I love you"!

I am always along side you...
Sometimes you can feel me.
A brush against your shoulder, a gentle breeze on your face...
that's when I kiss you!

You have always kept me in your heart and mind.
Thank you...
One day we will be together in heaven.
You will cry and lift me in your arms.
I will hug you so very tight and never let go...

But for now I have to...

No matter where you go, what you do, I am with you!
Always know that I am "Your Little Angel"
I love you mommy...
Bye...
_________________________________________________________________________

"Your Little Angel" copyright (c) protected Russell Scott Steven Andersen 1997 all rights reserved.
(c) 1999 R.S.S. Andersen All Rights Reserved
 



Posted by Stephanie_And on Mon 9 Nov 2009 9:01:44 am     | no comments

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Mon 9 Nov 2009

  November 9, 2009 - 5:43AM

Today, November 9, 2009 our baby was due.

I don't have much to say ... nor do I really know WHAT I want to say right now ... but I need to say something, to someone.

So, I'm going to start typing ... and see where it leads.

Today is the due date for you to be born.
But all I have is an emptiness to mourn.

My arms are empty with no baby to hold.
My heart feels heavy, my tears stream cold.

This should have been the time for anticipation of your arrival.
Does anyone remember? Will they share in our grief & sorrow?

You were a life created from love.
You were a gift sent from Heaven above.

If only you could have joined us here to become a family of four,
You would have had parents who loved you & a big sister whom you would adore.

There isn't a day that has gone by when I haven't thought of you.
Remembering the first time I felt you move,
and calculating how far along my pregnancy would be.

I know you are in a much better place
Where the grace of God is shining on your face.

When I see another baby, I think of you then, too.
Wondering who you would have looked like as you giggled, cried, and coo'ed.

I will never know these things, because you will never be here.
But in our hearts you'll always be, our baby, our angel, our dear.

It doesn't make it easier, for the pain I carry is still here.
We will never forget you, our little one, that fact remains quite clear.

We know you will always be watching over us!
You are & always will be loved.
Be free, as we know you are.


Posted by Stephanie_And on Mon 9 Nov 2009 8:57:00 am     | no comments

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Thu 17 Sep 2009

  Believing - 3 Months Later

We sincerely ask those of you taking the time to read this to please believe & pray w/us. We've reached the end of our waiting period after losing our 2nd baby June 17th @ 19 1/2 weeks gestation. We're believing & praying for a healthy & timely conception w/no faulty DNA & a healthy, easy pregnancy w/no complications of any sort.

When we lost our baby 3 months ago today, at the time, I felt both impossible that the overwhelming & traumatic pain would subside, or that I could ever try again. I remember lying in the pre-op room that Wednesday evening w/inconsolable tears streaming, repeating, " I can't go through this again, I can't be here again". Just the memory of that day causes stinging tears to spring to my eyes. So much has happened in the last 3 months. Today it still hurts, but more like the prick of a needle, rather than a sword through my gut.

For those of you who have concerns about our decision to try again, we want you to know that we are fully aware of the facts regarding every potential risk we could face regarding the recurrence of breast cancer, another pregnancy loss, etc. We have been reassured by both my breast oncologist & OB/GYN that we have absolutely no reason not to try again. As our pastor says, the FACTS are ... (whatever they may be), the TRUTH is JESUS & we are firmly standing on His promises to us. This decision to try again is truly a matter & intense desire of our hearts & we ask everyone to respect that, regardless of any opinions held.

We love you all & truly appreciate the love, support & encouragement you've given us as we continue to heal.


Posted by Stephanie_And on Thu 17 Sep 2009 1:32:37 pm     | no comments

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Fri 4 Sep 2009

  For Everything There Is A Season - 2 Months Later ~ 8/17/09

One of the most quoted Bible passages is Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.



This sacred list represents all the seasons and the important matters of my life. Some are happy times, others sad; some are productive while others seem wasteful; some inspire peace and others bring pain.

All of these are necessary for me to learn, grow, and evolve as a spiritual being. Their appearance is not by accident. If I look closely enough, each experience reveals a loving, divine purpose that I can learn to trust.

Each major transition in my life requires my undivided time and attention for successful passage. Each one also presents a gift - if I'm open to receiving it.

Some of these gifts are easily identified: the spring moments of new beginnings; the summer moments of easy, carefree living; and the autumn moments of bountiful harvest.

Other gifts are not as easily identified: the transitional storms that often usher in a new season, the oppressive heat of summer, or the bitter cold of winter. These other gifts require me to look beyond the appearances and peer much deeper for their significance.

Although new beginnings are usually preferred over endings, I need to remember that every new beginning requires an ending - sometimes even a death.

Likewise, reaping a harvest may be preferred over the work of preparing, planting, and tending a crop or garden, but I cannot enjoy one without the other. Even the transitional storms of my life are necessary to clear the atmosphere of old ways of thinking that keep me from fully experiencing the next seasons of my life. The oppressive heat of summer and the bitter cold of winter cause me to retreat within myself for rest, renewal, and creativity.

The flow of life is a process of change. I must learn to accept the process and go with it. There's no stopping it, anyway.

Sometimes the challenges I encounter seem like dark tunnels, yet every tunnel has a light at the end of it. As I grope in the darkness, I can focus on the faint light I see in the distance. This light represents the gift - whatever it is I am to learn, to heal, or to change. The darkness will pass as I move toward the light, as I gratefully receive the tunnel's gift.

Nothing in life is static for long. I once heard it said that the process of life is "grow and go." As soon as I grow to the next higher level, it's time to go to the next level. And on and on I grow and go - unless I resist.

When crisis comes, resistance is the normal first response. It's self-protective, yet in the long run, it becomes self-destructive. With every crisis comes a choice - to resist or to accept, to respond in fear or in faith, to say yes or no.

If I remember that there is a gift in every crisis or challenge - in every transition of life - I will be able to go with the flow more easily. As I discover the gift in every season, I learn to trust that loving, divine purpose behind it. Then the current of life can carry me off to new adventures, more rewarding and exciting than any I may have chosen in a resistant state of mind.

There are the three distinct stages we all tend to go through in every major transition. Each one begins with it an ending - something or someone we must let go of before we can begin anew. After an ending comes the void - a time of grief, disorientation, and eventually acceptance of the change. Then we're ready for the new beginning itself.

As with the seasons of nature, these stages cannot be rushed and they require whatever time it takes to pass through them and to receive their gifts.

We all prefer our life changes to occur smoothly and naturally. But when they come at us with all the force of a perfect storm, we can remember that these are intense opportunities for transformation. If we respond to each storm from the "eye" of God's presence within, where perfect peace and wisdom dwell, we will emerge even stronger, wiser, and more free than before. We will be transformed.



Posted by Stephanie_And on Fri 4 Sep 2009 11:59:46 pm     | no comments

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Fri 4 Sep 2009

  9 Years ~ September 1, 2009

On this our 9th wedding anniversary there’s something I want to say:
It’s been 9 years of compromise, of learning, of facing odds, of having fun, of growing faith.
9 years of laughter, tears, fears, dreams and planning.
Most of all, it’s been 9 years of love & understanding.
9 years of realizing that when you believe in God everything happens for a reason.
The road that brought us here may not be perfect for the world, but it’s perfect for us.
I love you & I will forever (until we’re old & wrinkled, hitting each other with our canes).
With you, I know the world is my playground & a new adventure awaits just around the corner.
Thank you for all you do for me, for all you allow me to do for you.
Thank you for being you.
I love you more with each passing year.
You're always there through all the joys & heartaches of this life we've built together.
With you by my side, I know no fear.
God bless you today & always.
May He continue to bind us together until death do us part.



Posted by Stephanie_And on Fri 4 Sep 2009 11:41:59 pm     | no comments

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Sat 1 Aug 2009

  Stephanie_Anderson is thinking about the day ahead - a day of remembering, honoring & celebrating Ravyn.



Posted by Stephanie_And on Sat 1 Aug 2009 12:52:01 am     | no comments

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Fri 17 Jul 2009

  Waiting - One Month Later

Waiting - One Month Later

I'm pregnant.
I rub my belly waiting for you.
I feel you there
as I close my eyes and fall deep into prayer.

Dear God,
Thank you for this precious child
There is no denial this is truly a miracle from above.
I imagine holding you as you place your tiny hand into mine.

I open my eyes and realize the time.
The time is in the past,
but the vision of you
is a memory that forever lasts.

Because of Trisomy 18,
you left us too soon,
for this I still weep.
My womb is empty,
the pain runs deep.

I can't help but wonder if you're okay.
I imagine you placing your hand into mine one day
as we soar side by side in heaven above.

For now my angel,
I give you my love,
as I rub my belly you're not there,
as I look up to heaven with a wondering stare.
I close my eyes and begin to pray:
Dear God,
Will you please bless me again some day?



Posted by Stephanie_And on Fri 17 Jul 2009 10:39:25 am     | no comments

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