I have surprised myself these days. I am able to genuinely keep a smile on my face. Okay aside from the fact that it is very easy for me to smile, I can say that they are real smiles, and not plastic ones. A few months ago it was a front, because I didn't want people getting "all up" in my business. Nor did I want to admit that what I was going through at the time was changing me. Well I must tell you, things have not really gotten any better for me. My experiences are as dramatically poisonous as ever. And they occur so regularly, they have become monotonous. Kind of like that guy in the clear eyes eye drops commercial. *sigh* Basically, I know that things are not going to get any better any time soon. But yet, as I've said, I've got a smile coming out of my spirit. Took me a few steps back, because as moody as I am, that isn't possible. Me feeling joy when the pain is at my door, in my living room, eating off all my animal crackers? I dream tears, I write tears, I cough it up in my sleep, and yet, there's a smile in my spirit? There's joy growing inside of me. I must say that I have grown. Yes I am still the bad tempered spoiled brat, at times, but I have truly gone above all that I am going through. I say this because I have realized that life itself, is so precious, so magnificent, that the experiences DON'T make me, nor should they have control over my life, and how i feel. In Ecclesiastes it says that life is meaningless. I take this to be associated with the experiences that we come to in life. In essence this is true. We define most experiences based on our emotions and reactions. But the bible also says to laugh and be merry. (I'm not a bible scholar yet...lol)When the rough times do come, that peace should not fold from us. God in his perfection put affirmation in me that this is not the end, that gloom does not depart my purpose nor my happiness. The affirmation through the struggle was peace. Regardless of what's happening around me, if i maintain the peace within me, then I am accepting that the season is just that..."a season" And I'm telling you God has taken so much care of me, in the midst of this, that it's impossible for me to ignore happiness. It's hard for me to keep myself in the gloom.
Posted by Rashawna_Wil on Tue 17 Apr 2007 12:08:00 pm | 2 comments
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Consider,
The trials and transgressions of night.
When in it, I..m able to shine so bright.
The sun will set, and out comes a light.
And even in darkness, I still have my sight.
It..s not luck that allows me life through pain.
No clichés or wise words can keep me sane.
In the midst of my death there is truth in that light.
In the midst of my demise I..m allowed insight.
It is God who I saw when I broke down and cried.
It was him who spoke love when I spoke suicide.
It was him who in me, made me stronger inside.
It was him who set me free from the chains of my pride.
And in turn, I transformed, and became something new.
A power, strength, and beauty to view.
Even with the burdens I have to go through.
Possibilities are open in all I can do.
So consider amidst the wonders of night.
Despite all the pain, I..m allowed insight.
Because God in me just shines so bright.
The sun will set, and out comes his light
(c) 2006 Mz.Soulll
Posted by Rashawna_Wil on Thu 1 Feb 2007 10:56:09 am | no comments
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YesterdayI'm gonna stain u with silver
and sell u for a bedspread
I figure you will be useless
otherwise.
You are only a memory
what else should i do?
If i keep you around,
you might sneak into tomorrow.
And we can't have that.
(c) 2007
Posted by Rashawna_Wil on Tue 30 Jan 2007 9:19:40 am | 1 comments
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I Surrender
I humble my heart
before l do enter
I open my spirit
all bad times I remember
and experience to this day
Lord to u I surrender
I’ve known u before I knew love of life
struggled with u
tried to solve all my strife
fell and got up
and fell back down again
despite all my efforts
I would slip
now and then
yet you
have been here
through the fights and torment
amidst all the tears
You were my safe haven
when there was nowhere
my home away from home
when I felt no one cared
Lord to u…I stand…I surrender
I am no longer willing to continue my fight
My story’s been broken…piece by piece
the arrogance in my soul…has finally ceased
My anger had made me determined
to fly without wings
so I flew with my burdens
and everything
else but a blessing sent from you
which wasn’t sent, my king
and though I was hurting
I could not understand
free will was my freedom
the prize in my hand
but this worldly freedom
is not freedom I need
no freedom should cause destruction
like hatred and greed
Yet, u stood open armed
when I still turned you down
You offered to find the best in me
But I didn’t want to be found
And so I have fallen
they say
saints fall and revive
and without ur strength Lord
I cannot survive
Nor can I dwell
in the house of this time
knowing that I have not accounted my crimes
Lord I love u…more than myself
I thought that with love alone everything was alright
But couldn’t take the right path with my own blind sight
Realized the world was dark without the guide of ur light
It is ur strength and securities that comforts my night
My enlightened despot
my father
my friend
sole inspiration to me and the tip of my pen
This lack of warmth in my heart’
was dissatisfying
But I’ve always failed
so I gave
up on trying
But now wat is left
but the empty room
and the empty mind
of this dreary soul
I got here on my own
on an empty thought
and an empty desire
to a selfish goal
All I need now
is to be made whole
Never really knew my pride could be taken
until the bricks of life hit me
and left me shaken
because I knew that my Christian life
was what I was fakin’
When I refused to let the purpose u had for me
awaken
Lord to this ….i surrender
this Altar Placed before u I do Enter
Before My enemies I stand
I hold to you all my flaws
Amidst Your Love
I vow to obey your Laws
Lord break the barrier
between my life and ur grace
I destroy my defiance at heart
and put humility in place
Let the start of my life begin here today
I see my own faults
and for this I will pray
Lord…unto you…I surrender
© 2005
Posted by Rashawna_Wil on Mon 29 Jan 2007 8:45:18 pm | no comments
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aI wrote this poem about 3 years ago. It was the first poem that I read in front of a congregation.
On The Other Side
The Grass is Greener on the other side
Only peace can dwell in that divide
No reason to run, no reason to hide.
In this place, I choose to coincide.
But I still hit, that big brick wall
And hit mountains and valleys
Where I slip and fall.
The grass is greener on the other side
Yet, I still go to run and hide
Hide from the darkness that lurks my way
When I start to move up that road
And sway
In my mind because I don’t really know
What I’m going do anymore
Or where I’m gonna go
Or who I’m gonna be, the next time I open my eyes
I keep telling myself, I’m focused on the prize
Of peace
That place in my heart where I cannot only be me,
But the place where I can be righteous and free.
Yet I still hit that corner
And I see all them lies
That I told myself;
And all my self-pride,
That I held up,
Could not erase,
Cause I just couldn’t move up from that place
Where I felt I was right, no matter that case
So all that’s ever left me
Is with nothing
And you can’t make something out of what’s not
Can’t turn something cold into something hot
By making excuses
Those stones I been stepping on was so elusive
And I had to turn back,
Cause I slipped
And I fell
Tried to open my mouth
But couldn’t even yell
Or shout
That I was scared
Cause I wasn’t prepared
For the days when all I made was mistakes
And started a chain that I refused to break
Turn backwards in my years
And aged like a fool
So far back, I couldn’t see that spiritual renewal
That I needed
The Lord offered me help, but to him I heeded
And my God, and those days I rejected him
For my sins my will
I jumped back on a whim
Cause I felt
I had to prove something
Could make it on my own
So brave to test the waters
And really be alone
Cause I didn’t wake up
And opened my mind
And that grass is so green on the other side
But I can’t get there
Not with a free ride
Can’t use a bus pass
Can’t take the train
To shield me past that icy rain
So I looked to my mind and my heart and my spirit
Found who was missing was God
To help destroy my demons and defeat my odds
To take the stand
My heart in his hand
To leave the things I thought I could understand
I realize my mistakes
Look to God to repent
I’m satisfied with his love
With my purpose content
But for life, that does not supplement
for the path that’s left
The road less traveled
And what injustice is there to be unraveled.
Reading the bible,
going to church
It’s more than that
Cause I did those things
And still fell back
It’s about the will
And my desire to serve
But If I don’t keep on
My faith won’t preserve.
In this world’s state
There’s no time to wait
For the Lord to come to me with the pearly gates
It’s time I got ready
And take my time
As I should
Start praying,
Stop playing
And do what is good
Open my heart
And the possibilities
As He is my guide
As I travel this road to the greener side.
© 2005
Posted by Rashawna_Wil on Mon 29 Jan 2007 7:17:06 pm | 1 comments
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