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 This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM!

   
Editor's note: I would have hired him too!!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise

Posted by Luke_Bal on Sun 4 Oct 2009 4:10:44 pm     | 1 comments

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 The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.

• Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

• The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.

• I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

• In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

• I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

• I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

• I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

• My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

• As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.

• I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.

• I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

• I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

• The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

• I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

• A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

• I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

• To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

• The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

• The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

• An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

• A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

• I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

Posted by Luke_Bal on Sun 4 Oct 2009 4:09:19 pm     | no comments

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The following questions by lawyers were taken from actual court documents in America:

• "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"

•  "Now doctor, is it not true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?"

• Q: "What happened then?"
  A: "He told me, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
  Q: "And did he kill you?"

• "Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

• "The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?"

• "Were you alone or by yourself?"

• "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

• Q: "I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?"
  A: "That’s me."
  Q: "Were you present when he picture was taken?"

• "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

• Q: "Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated ?"
  A: "By death."
  Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

• Q: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
  A: "I’ll be three months on November 8th."
  Q: "Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
  A: "Yes."
  Q: "What were you doing at that time?

• "So you were gone until you returned?"

• Q: "She had three children right?"
  A: "Yes."
  Q: "How many were boys?"
  A: "None."
  Q: "Were there any girls?"

• "Mrs. Jones, how many times have you committed suicide?"

• "You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?"

• Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
  A: "Yes."
  Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

• Q: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?"
  A: "The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m."
  Q: "And Mr. Edington was dead at that time?"

Posted by Luke_Bal on Sun 4 Oct 2009 4:02:58 pm     | no comments

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1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.

It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT:

By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:

YES / SURE

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.

At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS

The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately laugh out loud.

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

Posted by Luke_Bal on Wed 16 Sep 2009 4:27:03 pm     | no comments

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Posted by Luke_Bal on Sun 23 Aug 2009 11:28:56 am     | no comments

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Last night, my little brother was asked to read the evening Bible verse. He is only 6, but he can read very well. The verse was Proverbs 4:14, which says "Do not do as the wicked do or follow the path of evildoers." He did great until the last part, where he said: "Do not do as the wicked do, or follow the path of elevators."

Posted by Luke_Bal on Sat 22 Aug 2009 3:16:11 pm     | no comments

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